Are we raising our black children adequately enough to navigate adulthood? Maybe we're under preparing them? Perhaps we're raising them to find a partner without teaching them to live independently? Join as we discuss black parenting methods, adult autism, mental health, gender roles, disenfranchisement & more with special guest Jordan Searcy!
Are we raising our black children adequately enough to navigate adulthood? Maybe we're under preparing them? Perhaps we're raising them to find a partner without teaching them to live independently? Join as we discuss black parenting methods, adult autism, mental health, gender roles, disenfranchisement & more with special guest Jordan Searcy!
Welcome back to your
favorite podcast scene. We're going to start off with a little meditation first. I want you to breathe in acceptance. I want you to breathe out, Snoop Diggety dog.
I want you to breathe in wholesome parenting like the weights and breathe out toxic, embarrassing parenting like Tia. Get that out.
Everybody. Welcome back to seeing a podcast about all things black. From identity to mental health, religion, sexuality. Whatever you want to hear about, you'll find it here. My name is Von.
My name is Deja Poor Shea.
And my name is Jenna. You can call me Auntie NATO is today. We're
gonna be talking about, uh, parenting within the black household. Are we giving our Children? You know, the the adequate tools to be able to move on successfully into adulthood. And actually, I think data can explain this a lot better than I can.
Yeah. Um So if I had to sum it up in one little tidbit, I would say it's called grown or not. Yeah or not. So what does it mean to be grown in the black community on kind of like Von said, Do we do enoughto adequately prepare black Children for adulthood Or, um, the opposite of that. Are we doing too much And throwing too many adult responsibilities on our Children? Um, yeah. So that's pretty much the consensus, but four. But before we get into that, we're gonna start off with our Bucky has and our Helen laws for the week. Um, von I'm gonna hop to you. Do you have any fucking as their home? Oh,
yeah. Absolutely. D'oh, my fuck, yeah. For this, these past two weeks that we have not been recording is gonna be, um, validity of self diagnosis and identification. Um, so I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and, um, I thought that it was a really great explanation for a lot of things that were going on in my life. I was, uh I don't know. Sometimes hearing a diagnosis can can be a double edged sword. You know, on one end of the spectrum, you have a name put to everything that's that's been going on with you. Um, and that really helps with having a sense of who you are and what you've been going through. When you finally have something to explain, the things you didn't have answers for. And then on the other end of the spectrum, there's this devastation, like, you know, Wow, I'm like, I have an illness. Um, and I'm sick and, you know, there's something quote unquote wrong with me. Well, come to find out a couple of weeks later, I just doing plethora of research on something called High Functioning Autism. And I go to my next therapy session and my therapist actually suggests to me after me talking about one of my mental breakdowns that I had after touching a micro fiber cloth. Um, that he thinks that it's very possible that I could have Asperger's, um, And after doing hours of research and watching videos and listening to my therapist and reading scholarly articles and Google searches alike, um, I I believe that I am autistic. Um, it makes a lot of sense with a lot of things that were happening internally throughout my childhood. It makes a lot of sense with a lot of what goes on. Now, Um, Deja invited me to a birthday party. Ah, yesterday and I really wanted to go and I was going to go. But because of a date flub because I thought it was on the 25th because she had 25th in the title. But it was her 25th birthday anyway, the whole thing. But, you know, even despite all of that, I mean, just just just the sheer ah phobia of being around people and so scared of being normal, I, um an even better example is I rarely ever get out of the house. I rarely go anywhere. And a couple, I think, last week I just wanted to be spontaneous. I just I have this like voice in my head that tells me, like I just feel ashamed of not being normal like I have this thing. I just I don't feel normal like I never feel normal. And I wanted to be spontaneous and take Shawn out somewhere at night because we were so boring. We go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch something on YouTube, goto bed like it's literally our daily routine. And I wanted to do something different. And so I was like, You know, let's get dressed up. I'm going to take you to Broadway Arcade. We're going to go out, you know, like kids do and It's about nine o'clock and we get to Broadway parking lot and I literally sat in the car and cried for 10 minutes. But because I didn't feel normal like I just wanted to feel normal. I wanted to just be able to put on clothes and go inside a Broadway arcade and not feel like everybody staring at me and not feel like people are talking about me and not feel like I'm so socially inet and feel like I could just play games and not feel like I have to manufacturer emotion and not have to pretend to like someone's conversation and just by my partner a drink and just have a good time and enjoy it. And instead I chose to crime eyes up and throw a fit, and I feel like a ruined the experience. But my amazing partner is great, and he talked me through it. Um, and we went in and we had a decent time and and I just hope to foster more things like that. More outings like that, etcetera, and, um, I I'm kick started my journey to actual diagnosis. I know I have autism. Um, I know, I know. I have autism. I know that it has affected all of my relationships interpersonal and beyond from when I was child, too. Now, um, and I am just very thankful for my support system for my friends, from my family, from my partner for my therapist, Um, for even suggesting in first place. And it's a really long journey, but I'm looking forward to it. Okay. Uh, my fuck no, My hell, no, for the week is gonna be a lot shorter, I promise. Didn't mean the
whole job. So it's really something. How could you to say And that was hella relatable? Because I cannot tell you, uh, the my significant other is in the room. And I cannot tell you how many times like I've been out and I've been like Jordan coming. I don't know, going on like I feel so bad and he'll be really we could just go home. It's okay. Let's just going through that and having somebody in your having somebody in your life who just supports you through those moments Is everything Everything
I mean, I mean, and the thing that's so incredible about it is because, like the thing about having a name to whatever you're going through. It's like all of the little things that you we're so unkind to yourself about. You get some kind of justification for like, one thing about me that really lets me. I know how about to them I I am so particular about the way that clothes feel on my body. I can feel certain fabrics of pants like I don't like the way it feels on my leg hair. Or like if a shirt is too soft, it makes me like extremely anxious or like the way a ring fits on my finger or the way like a hat feels on my years like it literally makes me want to scream. And I had never told anyone about it before until I met Sean and I told Shine, and you know, it was one time, for example, like I wore something toe work. I was comfortable and it offers, and then, like I wasn't comfortable in it at all. Like I could feel every square Nana meter of my body, like just rubbing against the material, and I was obsessing about it and I couldn't work, and he brought me a change of clothes or, you know, he does his best. He does his best. Like if he buys me an article of clothing for, like, my birthday or an anniversary or something that it isn't something that he knows will have an adverse reactions you and he just does a really good job of calming me down. So kudos to him. Uh, my my hell. Now for a week, he's probably going to echo the sentiments of a lot of progressive black votes in the US at the moment. But it's just, uh my hand off for the week is just is just negus, um, *** response to Dwyane Wade. Um, and Gabrielle Union raising their child. Everybody feeling like just because they have an opinion means that they should express it to the world. Um and I you know, it's one of those cliches where it's like if you don't have anything nice to say, then just say it. But I don't think people really understand why it's a saying. Um, so I don't know. I'm not going to get too deep into it, But just *** go, You gotta chill out. This is too much. Mr Much
and *** includes any and everybody. It's really showing all of the showing your home a phobic ass like that includes
this family. It's Ni is not your child has
been hella tough, bro. Like seeing all of these discussion post and about people who are from people who are just really like underhandedly spewing a bunch of homophobia.
I said what I said,
that's one of their favorite things to say. Like I said, what I said, you're just afraid to hear the things that nobody else is gonna tell. Yo
and yeah, Ginny. Oh, you're fuck? Yes. And hell knows
I'm gonna start with my hell now. So, um, in the last two weeks, I have been told that I was intimidating, and it really upset me because I know, especially at work, that I try so, so, so, so very hard, so very hard to maintain a disarming demeanor.
Even when I'm frustrated, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm still mindful of how my body language looks to my colleagues, and I am I am mindful of my words, especially when I'm at work because I want people to understand that through my frustration
right is this core issue of you didn't do your job or whatever the situation may be. So to kind of have heard that really upset me because I was like, You know what? Um, I think it's important to be open to constructive feedback, especially at work. But I think it's also equally important to be, ah, 100% confident and knowledgeable about who you are, because people would try to a sign, you know, behaviors and labels to you. And so it was one of those moments where I was just like, you know what, though you're wrong, you're wrong. Really. What you're trying to tell me is that you are intimidated, and that has nothing to do with me. That's mostly because you don't know who you are, and you just want me to be like super soft so you can feel powerful. And I'm just going to tell you if that's what it takes to make you feel powerful than you're not powerful at all. And so that just really had me fucked up. So I was just like hell no, Um, my fuck Yet for the week is really just that I survived. I haven't really had a MME mentally a good last two weeks. You know, I've had, like, good moments. Um, but I used this, like, mood tracker to kind of help. Yeah, it advertised, I think is just really is called mood Path. And it only acts me once a day, but, you know, they have they have several. Perhaps, you know, they'll ask you multiple times. How do you feel? I don't like all that, don't you? I know, you know, like, I'm trying to text the name. Here you come. It's just anyway. So, um, my my move path at was basically, like, says, you've been through it ain't you? Cause it told me like you've hit every single mood, uh, in the last, you know, two weeks, and I was like, Oh, well, you know, spend a rough one. So, you know, I've had great days, but, you know, I've had a couple of bad days, but I feel like the middle ground the fuck is like who? Okay, but now we got to start a new week. Don't do it all over, and we're gonna try again because everybody
had me fucked up. So, you know, I feel what you're saying about the comment that you made about your helmet off of the weak because it's like you have to. You have to decide for yourself how much validity you're going to put into what other people have to say to you, say about you versus who it is that I know that I am because I'll be honest sometimes there is a lot of validity in other people's opinions about you, and sometimes it helps you understand yourself a little bit better. But also a lot of times racism on and securities. And you know, others like a
lens that there's a filter
exactly is there. It's their version of you and you have to determine how much stock you're going to put into that, you know what I mean? And that's that's a difficult thing to balance for me.
Yeah, and I kind of get the feeling sometimes, though, that, um when when people do that, especially at work, they just want you to accept it. You know, they want to be able to tell Yu Jin a you are intimidating and then I go, Oh, no, I'll work on that. And so what actually happened was the contrary where it was like, you know, you're kind of intimidating. And I was like, Well, you know, what did I do to intimidate you? What did I do to intimidate you? And and then the response was, Well, you know, it's just, you know, we we know that you know what you're doing. You know what I'm saying? Way. But it's just a way that, you know, you just kind of communicate that, um and I said that you don't know what you're doing and see again that that's where I'm gonna go ahead and draw the line between I am intimidated or intimidating and you are intimidated. Like that's where I'm going to draw the line. Because, um, for one, if we're all in the same role and we get paid close to relatively the same amount, I'm gonna assume because you know, we don't talk about our wages, I'm gonna somewhere all getting paid somewhere near the same amount. Then I expect you to know what I know if we're equals. And so here you are, though in the workplace taking up space, and you don't know what you're doing. And not only do you not know what you're doing, but you want me to be gentle about telling you, reminding you that you are ill prepared to do your work. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I I was gentle when I was, you know? Saying, Hey, do you need help? Hey, you know, don't forget my permanent. It's like, But when you've passed, that had been held
yeah. And so I'm not going to take that accountability or the action of holding you accountable. You're not gonna Then try to turn that around and try Thio livin. I hear it. Every black girl. No, no, no, You're incompetent. You are late
on it on that deadline.
So good. Ah, and I don't accept that into my life. I know I'm not. Because my friends, my one friend in particular, tells me constantly, Ginny, you have a never ending supply of patients, which is not true, but But he felt that way because I still have enough patients to tell you that I don't have the patience. You know what I'm saying? So in that regard, you're not going to tell me I'm something I know for a fact that I'm not No, no, no. You got me fucked up. I'm good. You good. Buck them. And then what about you?
Oh, yeah. Um, my fuck, yeah, is going to be, um, seeing another year, because I am turning 25 on Tuesday. Hey, thank you so much. And I'm just trying thio not feel like I'm getting old. I don't know. I just I'm I'm trying to just appreciate life and kind of look around and see the things that I have and how far I've come and the things I could be grateful for. So yeah, another turn around the earth, they say, um, another fuck, yeah. It's kind of like the opposite, um of you. I can't think today another fuck. It is just like the public support that I've been seeing of Zeya. Um, just people really going out of their way. I've been seeing a lot of black parent and Children, um, supportive LGBT stuff. And just like as much as public controversies, even though it shouldn't be a controversy, bring out the trolls. I think it also brings out a lot of just like shows of support and appreciation. And I've been seeing a lot of those. And I'm I'm grateful for that. Um, my hell, no to the Newman has been, Ah, the abominable treatment of Gayle King. Um, I think people can disagree without, um, sending death threats to people, um, completely tearing down their character. Um, and I think the way that black women can sometimes be treated for even questioning or I'm saying trying toe hold, maybe people accountable or even exploring an idea at the very minimum. Um, this, like, if you're four black people, you can never question a black man If your four black people you can never try toe unearth anything, um, and that Yeah, that forward
that situation for me, At least not in front of company.
Yeah, exactly. It wasn't. Do you think it was that she did it in one CBS or like, a white network? Like what? Do you or do you think, like, no matter if it was on Beatty or whatever the fuck?
Honestly, I think what it is is that, um there there had been enough. I think discussion about this issue when it had first happened, like it's over and so go. And so I don't think that's how a lot of people felt over or it was over. Nobody was talking about it, you know, when he died. So we shouldn't be talking about it now that he's gone. Um, I I don't agree with that logic, but I do understand that especially within our community, we have a habit of, you know, feeling like death brings atonement. And and so we feel like, you know, this person is gone now. They can't defend themselves. They can't, you know, they can't try to tell their side of the story. And so we'll never know the truth, So we might as well just let it go. You know what I mean? Like, they're dead now. We can't even do anything about it. We can't hold that person accountable. Just let it go. And and I just don't think that, um, that healing works that way. It doesn't matter if you know what I'm saying. Someone is there to be punished or or what have you? Sometimes the healing is the The healing is in the discussion. We need
way. Need that on a T shirt. Wet death brings atonement. Edgar Allan Poe.
I don't know I just people saying
it was ill timing. I can definitely see people saying like, Why would you ask that of somebody? You know it's super close, but the going to the point of I think people would have been mad no matter who she asked. You know what I'm saying? I don't know.
I just think it was
there that it was It
was taken. Well, you want to know something similar? Is, um I don't know if you guys watched the God now Anthony Hernandez documentary and now you know she now the fiancee, the former fiancee is being interviewed. And like, Did you know that you're former husband was gay? Did you know about the homosexual relationships that he was engaged in and that they mentioned in the documentary? And did you know this? And
it's just so weird that people watch this documentary on Aaron Hernandez there. That's what it was. Their key takeaway. Waas. How can you accuse him of being gay when he's dead? He killed people. I know. What or why are you skipping over that?
That reminds me of all the white women that I've seen. Oh, in similar to Joe Goldberg They're like, you know, beyond all that murder stuff,
he's six. I mean, you take away the murder. No, no ingredient here when it
did a little murder. Whatever
e you deal with a little blurry anyway. Yeah, just murder is
not like my life. Oh, well, I think we can Ah, breather. I see you so we can happen things. Little main topic. I'll, uh I'll
and hit my first, if that's okay. Um, so maybe I'm stealing somebody's, but my I see you for the week is definitely DeAndre Arnold, who got invited to the red carpet with the director from hair love. Um, I'm so excited. I love when I see black people who take a stance and live in and take up real estate in their blackness because it's something that I felt like I wasn't capable of doing when I was his age. When I was in high school and someone threatened my blackness, we're told me that I wasn't black enough. I backed into a corner because I didn't know how to defend myself, and I retreated to whiteness. I'm just gonna be honest, you know, I don't mean like I heard a lot of EOE or be dishonest. I retreated in my white friends and we listen to some some white music and I
accepted myself. It's not one of those
black people. And, um, you know, I didn't like I love when people were like, Oh, you got good hair because it's curly and his some in this And you know, I Daddy, I relished in that. And so I I really appreciate you, DeAndre. It took me a lot longer to get to the point where you are. And so I just want to say that I see you and I hear you. And I'm really happy about everything that's happening with him in that story. So
yes, we see you, DeAndre.
Yeah, um I I c u is towards Netflix. I'm really happy about this. I haven't even watched it yet, But I've been doing a reading of ah, the Autobiography of Malcolm X. So lo and behold, when I decide to, like, read through the book, I look on that Flix and there's this Siri's who killed Malcolm X and I just feel like, ah, the unearthing of a lot of just like, covered up history. I'm always excited to hear about. Especially when it comes to like, um, black figures, um, and people who did a lot to try to wake up the black community. Um, so, yeah, I'm excited about that shout outs and Netflix and whoever decided that that was a worthy story to tell because that it is definitely a where the story to tell. Um, so I see you, Netflix.
You see you. Um I just have to really quickly for one, if you guys listen to episode. When I talked about a young lady named Taylor, um, who had her perfect attendance pencils. And I'll be honest with
you, I didn't know what the fuck you were talking
about because Ellen gave her a Bigas jazz pencil, and, um and I realized that it might have been lost upon some of you if you're not too active on Twitter. But you would have seen it on on Ellen not long ago. So I'm just I'm glad because, you know, Ah, a lot of people on Twitter were saying, you know, we we really should have validated her because she earned that pencil and she was trying to do everything she was supposed to do to take care of it. And this little girl stole her pencil. Lizzie? Um, so, yeah, I see you, sis. Getting your pencil back. A
bigger and better ones.
Bigger and better, you see. And then I just want to give a quick shout out to Ross. Okay? The clothing store. And let me tell you why I was in Ross yesterday, shopping for clothes and the music. It's like we was listeningto 107.3 like old school little seven. I'm not what they do it now. I mean, they was playing the cuts. I was listening to Jenelle Monet. I was listening to Stevie Wonder, and I was really looking around. Like what?
the cool dawned upon me that it is Black History Month s. So I did talk to the cashier. I was like, So you'll always be kicking it like this or like what's really going on a shoot. And though she was saying that all of their stories because I was in the story no late the Esso, they were saying, like all their stores air playing songs by black artists. And I was just like, Come on, Ross with a black History Month playlist, and it was jam it too. So I was like, Let me give you awesome. Some some props, right? Quick, because I was How's Lee? I go, Uh, we see on
before we move into the main topic. I just want to backtrack on something they said I totally forgot. Ellen, we see you giving out big ass pencils, and we see you given $20,000 to DeAndre Arnold. Um, and I also see you hanging out with that ***, George W. Bush, and I'll never forget. I don't think I don't see your white ass. They will all disappoint you. White women in the world. I don't care how generous and kind and magnanimous you are. Mmm. I see you. I see.
That sounded like a double
double on tall pole anyway. All right, everybody, we're gonna take a really quick break when we come back. We're gonna be discussing our main topic with our special.
Yes. You were gonna leave now. Wait days ago. Introduce him. Because what she's done do it.
Anyway, we're gonna take a quick break and listen to some some brandy and we'll be right back
All right, you guys, we're back
with our main topic. But before we hop into that, I would like to introduce our special guest. Chicago native Kansas City based Creative Jordan Loney a sir. See former, um, known as the poussey puncher. I'm gonna be with tha tha That's not a lie. I didn't
make no see poussey. I'd rather not even players. You already open that door, Ugo Elaborate.
Well, when I was younger, I was actually a vine porn star was a part of that group.
So? So if you ever watched the poussey puncher video have not You're in the presence of ah, pretty cool guy.
A celebrity in our mist. Jesus Christ. So
let's hop into it. Um, so starting off. Um, I'm just gonna ask you guys to kind of get us warmed up. What do you think it means to be grown in the black community? Do you think it's an age of mentality?
Um, when I was first introduced to groan, it was definitely when you could pay your own bills, so yeah, yeah,
yeah, I think that's definitely like the major consensus amongst, like, the black community is like you under my roof. You abide by my rules. You do it. I say you are here at this time. You're not here at that time. Um, so grown definitely is, uh, sort of like independence. Um, and I Yeah, Yeah, I believe it there. I don't want to speak too much. I want to be too little. I'm gonna say what I know. That's what I know. That's it. That's that All net.
Okay. Yeah. So what were your guys? Is ah, experiences as faras? Like assuming responsibilities in your household? Was it just like you're a child? Don't worry about shit beginning o grades together. Or were you expected to take on more of Ah, um a role as faras Like paying bills or having Thio shepherd or help raise your younger siblings are
well, for me at least. I have been the man of my household since I was six years old. Most my parents divorced, so there was a lot of just picking up a lot of slack and raising my brothers and tidying up the house and making sure this and that was taken care of. And as I got older, I felt like the entire You're not growing, and so you can be independent. Thing was kind of counterproductive because I looked up and I saw whoa while in my house You live by my rules, but in order to truly be independent, you have to be taught how to be independent. And if you aren't taught how to be independent, it's a vicious cycle. When you look up, you know, find us off, scattering around tow. Create later on. Yeah, I hear. Uh oh. Sorry. Go ahead.
No. Yeah. No. What about you? Von would. Well, what were you expected to do in the household?
Well, I know for me in terms of responsibilities, when it came to just things around the household, I mean, I was the oldest of three I want to say at the time, and I mean, I wash dishes, I clean my room, just make sure that things were clean. But I would say the brunt of what I was quote unquote expected to take care of wasn't necessarily anything that you would see. I think that I took the majority of the emotional Um I don't know how to say it. I took hold of most of the emotional responsibility around the house. I could see that the type of relationship that my parents were having had a grave emotional impact on my younger siblings. And so I was always trying to make sure that I was okay and make sure that they were okay. Make sure that my mother was okay. I've felt like I was a parent to both of my parents in some sort of way, making sure that they were psychologically okay for lack of a better word because they were in and emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship. And, um so I I don't know that I can say that I was expected to, but I put that expectation than that responsibility on myself, too. Make sure that I was emotionally intelligent and mature enough to be able to handle the fallout of after they after my mom got done chasing my dad trying to stab him with a knife running down the street or after my dad threatened to shoot my mom, Um, and making sure that my siblings were okay. Um, I remember God, I'm done being extremely candid. But, you know, my mom, um, had tried to commit suicide in the bathroom. when I was a lot younger and I didn't really understand it at the time, and they didn't talk to me about it and having to process that on my own really top.
Well, when did you end up finding out about that? Where you still a child when you found out what really happened? Or is that one of those
few months ago?
And I was maybe nine or 10. I just remember I was at home. We were living in my grandparent's house and my mom went into the bathroom and she was in there for a really long time. And then my dad came home and he went in the bathroom and he just started freaking out and I was really confused. And then he called my uncle over and all I remember, which is being really scared because, you know, he was like, we need to take her to the hospital and she's just sleep. She's just sleeping. And I was like, Okay, but I felt a lot more scared than I should be if my mom was sleeping, you know, like I knew something was wrong, but I didn't really understand. And it's something that I kind of repressed for a really long time. And I thought about it. I don't know how the memory came upon my head, but I called my mom about Texter. I don't remember. I wanted to to a couple of months ago when I was like, Hey, do you
that time when blah, blah, blah, And she was like, Yeah, I was like, Did you Did you try to kill yourself? Was that what that was? And and she admitted it to me. Um And I think after I experienced that, it changed me alive. It made me want it. Even though I didn't know what was happening at the time. I still felt this major shift of emotional responsibility with my own,
like used felt, the need to shepherd everyone else.
Even my mom. Yeah, even my mom and dad. I felt the need to protect them emotionally from themselves and from each other. But I've been talking for quite some time. I want hear somebody else. I definitely I had a very similar upbringing, I think because my parents relationship was very toxic at a young age, they had me very young, my mom was 18 and my dad turned 17 like, two weeks before I was born, so they don't really know how to love each other nor acted like responsible adults for the longest. So I found myself playing an emotional mediator as well. And, um, I think that just gonna transitioned into, well, into me financially being a pillar in the household later on, which I think is, um, what you feel like as a young black man you should be doing making sure your parents are okay. Making sure your mom's okay for sure, making sure that their little brothers have the game and knowledge navigate through life. And, um, it definitely does get sticky when you have errands who aren't emotionally stable, I would say, Did you live with where you live in when your parents divorced with your mom and dad? Well, they divorced when I was six and I stayed with my mother, and still I was about 16 and I moved out back to Chicago with my dad, and like I said, they were really young, so he was never even there. I kind of like Random House all by myself, and like he would like leave, like, right money from time to time. I like sometimes food. But you didn't really worry about me too much because you knew I had entrepreneur skills. I was, uh um and I would figure out a way to make it happen. But
what What about you, Jenny? What do you feel like you were allowed to be a child? Or do you feel like, kind of like Vonage? Ah, Jordan that you had toe take on a lot at a very early age. I
do feel a I had to take on a lot at a at a younger age, but I I feel my experience was more so because I was the oldest. Yeah, and my like, I remember my dad telling me, you know,
I didn't mean it. I just realized that all four of us are the oldest child I
know. It makes a difference. Yeah, because, um, my best friend, she is Ah, the youngest. So I even though, you know, there was a lot of things I was going on, you know, in her childhood, I can still sort of kind of see a slight difference of how we perceive responsibility, You know, what I'm saying? Um and and I know it might like I said my dad was telling me when I was younger, you know, year the oldest. You need to be responsible. And I took that to heart. Like I told my uncle like, bro, I'm the oldest. He like you, not my big sister. I'm like, Fuck what you're talking about. My daddy said I'm the oldest of everybody in this world except my mom, because my dad, uh, I think, I think because my dad, um, respected my mom, um, as as a person, which is interesting. We'll get to that later. Um, I think it did translate over into how I, you know, my brother and I received her. And even though I'm the oldest of all of my siblings, I think there was also a difference because my my brother Antonio and I were closer in age. So we, um you know, I did feel that sense of responsibility, but not necessarily from my mom, because that's who we live with, because she she tried to, you know, make sure we both learned howto, you know, cook and clean and do stuff like that. She tried to really make it equal. But then when I would be at my grandmother's house, he was born in 1925 you know, since was really tryingto, you know, set me up to get
me a husband. You know,
like Megane. To get in there, you need to do them dishes you need thio, vacuum the house. I'm
like, what do I need to do this where I didn't
dirty nothing up. And she's like because, you know, because you're a lady and I'm just like, Oh, that's unacceptable, you know? So I always was kind of a rebel in that way, kind of trying to fight back and say, Well, I don't think this is fair. Before the most part, I knew my place is a child and I knew that I you know, even though my responsibilities were growing, I still was not considered grown and, like, even personally, like I when my mom got sick and I had to start, you know, taking care of things like financially and physically. Even then, I wouldn't even let myself say that I was grown because I felt like it would have been disrespectful to my mother and all the groundwork that she late and she was just like but says you is grown and I'm like, Well, don't just don't say the G word. It just makes you feel the way, you know, like, you know, saying because like you a black kid and parents I know you think you grown. That's never a good thing. That's never them going. Okay, I recognize that you are maturing, and you are, you know, acquiring skills. Yeah, that's, you know, I'm I'm learning. And, you know, in our community, it's like, Oh, you starting to smell yourself, okay? And it's just like I just I am trying to grow up, I guess. You know, at some point I need I need to know how to do these things. But then I also felt bad because, like I say, grown was like being able to pay bills. But it was also for little girls. I distinctly remember grown also meaning sex, you know, like oh, so you trying to be growing being
associate with grown? Yeah.
Yeah, like the adults were always calling me fast and grown, even though their sons, whether we're starting to convince me to do whatever and I'm just like, No, I can't because my mom because God, because, you know and I had all these reasons, but no one believed that it was me. He was going. No, let's not. This brings
me to why I'm going to jump into something else that while while this is coming up, Do you think that there's a in the black household? There's a difference between the way that we put responsibility on our girls versus our young men. And if so, what do you think that different? That differences?
I don't want to be the one to answer that.
First. Do it. Um, we absolutely give boys and girls different responsibilities. Um, you know, my brother being taught howto cut the grass or told to take the trash out and those responsibilities that forest fares My mom tried to be that, you know, she didn't acts Mito to cut the grass or take the trash out, even though I knew how to do those things. You know what I'm saying? She's still, um, I think unintentionally still kind of gave us those those gender role responsibilities. I do remember her, you know, given my brother the talk and in the same way that she, you know, did for me. I think it might have been a little bit more embarrassing for him because she actually took him, like yet let's or she just randomly action with daily You got condoms. He's just like, Whoa, but for me, you know, these were consistent conversations we were having because, you know, essentially all of our parents tried to tell little girls that nigga's in shit and it's just weird, you know, because even our dads would tell us, you know, watch out for these little boys And you know, boys don't want nothing but to get your pants. And I know that there was some truth to that. But you know, the way that those responsibilities were given to us with girls, we had the responsibility, like keeping our legs closed. Boys wasn't told to keep their legs close or to keep their penises to themselves. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, you were being socialized to that in church and stuff like that in front of me,
and it's like, you know, this. This could go so much deeper than just like responsibilities and being prepared for adulthood. This goes back to when we were doing quarter life crisis, and we had a whole episode about gender roles and things being gendered. This reminds me sort of, how we raise boys and girls differently. I know someone, um, who has a family member who I think it was something like, Oh, I'm going to get them this for Christmas. And I think one of my friends pointed out like, Oh, you should get him. You should. He's a little boy, I think is like five or six. You should get him like this kitchen set so he can learn how to, you know, work around a kitchen and like a lot of cooking things. And Mom was like, Why would I get him a kitchen? Why would I give him a kitchen set? And it's like, you know, learning to cook and clean properly are definitely one of the things that I feel
like You are
not taught to boys,
which is important to adulthood it
to adult. But you know, we teach. We teach boys that they need to go and find them a woman who can cook and clean for them, as opposed to you know. I think I think. And again, this could go back to gender conversations. We sexual eyes and and separate gender so much that we honestly don't prepare our black Children for adulthood. We prepare them for union ship. We prepared them to find someone who is able to compensate for the things that we did not teach them. I'm gonna teach you. I'm gonna teach you how to. Ah, woman were a little girl when I teach you how to cook and clean and how to be kind and how to be gentle and how to be a woman, an entire And you need to find someone to be able to support you financially and to protect you and to be strong for you and to make the money and to take care of the house and to cut the grass and to paint the house on. We're not teaching them how to be by themselves. What if they don't want to be with anyone? What if there's a sexual? What if they can't find a partner? What if they What if social interaction is just not a thing? That they're very competent.
They need thio and move out what you need to get out of your what if What if they need to be functioning adults and society who don't who
don't eat TV dinners on a nightly basis?
I would argue I can see the validity in that. But I would argue for myself that just because, like I every single one of my aunts, including my mom, are not with the man that they had kids with, like so if anything for me, from my mom, seeing her struggle as a single mother seeing, um, I got the the feeling that you cannot rely on men to take care of you, as as my mom being a young single mother in my dad, going off and being frivolous and, you know, and this is I love my dad to death. Now I think he's grown to be more of a stable person. Um, but what I saw is my mother holding down a job I saw whenever I needed something, me asking my mom and I saw my dad Ah, living up under a woman. You know, I'm saying so it's like for me as a black woman. Okay, you get pregnant young. These *** is not going to stay with you cause you're pregnant. You cannot rely on *** to pay child support. You cannot rely on somebody too, you know, get your needs met and just seeing the way that as a black woman, my mom had to carry all of that burden. And I think that's what pushed me. I'm 25 I don't have no kids because just like a I know that's not as someone witnessing, and I and I don't want to put this on all black men. But again, all of my aunts are not with the man that they had their first child with. Just knowing shit happens. And if it happens, the burden of responsibility almost always falls back on the woman.
I agree. I actually had a very similar upbringing, and I had a mother who was a superhero just like yours was. And she taught me and showed me all of these things. And because of that, I knew how to cook for myself. I know how to clean for myself. I could take care of an entire household by myself. And when she hit rough patches, I was able to fully financed my mother's house, bills, food, kid's clothing, everything at the age of 19. So I think because I saw that man would be absent, It kind of made me put it into perspective. I understand that you can't really rely on a woman to be there to take care of you like this in the house either. And I think that truly showed me heads. You need to be able to do it all. So I think what this really, really makes me think of us like the reality versus the dream. The dream is find you a man is going to take care of, You know, like I'm looking for a man that can fulfill me and, like, do and take care and blah, blah, blah but *** and shit.
And so I gotta
take care of myself. The
reality is find you a woman that's gonna cook and clean and dream and love a blood. The reality is my baby mom and taking care of me. And I'm using her car to do whatever while she's at work. And I'm not taking care of my kids and I'm not, you know, I don't mean and it's just like the black, the black ideal that is perpetuated in Tyler Perry movies
did bring it up the Tyler Perry movies. It really does kind of say to me, though, that I think where it as a black community where we go wrong, especially with like, the grown concept, is that it's just it's never a place where you actually arrive Because, I mean, if you really look at the character Medea and how she interacts with other people in her family, even other adults, she doesn't really treat them as her equals. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? And I know that that's kind of representative of a lot of our households where, you know, you got big Mama who's like whose who, even though you grown, you still not grown like Big Momma grown, you know, it was like at what point do Dewey is black people.
I think that goes, But so the fact that we're disenfranchised and you can't really teach somebody how to be independent if the people you know truly aren't independent, if you can't look up and you can't financial entire family without with with with their own LLC, I always say, I think that you're dependent on somebody else's wealth. It can switch whenever and you'll be right back ass at rock bottom. And I don't think people are actually end up position to take care of themselves and show their Children how to take care of themselves before they get out of the household. So I think that's where that cycle goes of not really ever bean grown because our parents aren't really grown. If we don't own our house and we don't own our job, we can't really pass on anything to the next generation. Are we really independent in ourselves? Given us, uh, what's that movie? Hidden colors?
But there's some truth to that. You know? How can I? How can I give you a
And that kind of makes me think of my next question is like, Do you guys think that we do enough to set black Children up for success? A ce faras like really life knowledge? Um, if it stops at okay, pay your bills and you groan is like Is that enough for them? Thio have some a good footing and thrive on their own?
Well, I think that I'll say, as Thesent proclaimed most fucked up in the head. Co host. Um, you know, my focus is always, usually psychological or on mental health. And I think in regard to that, I don't believe that the black community possesses adequate tools in order to be able to prepare our black youth for adulthood. We are still under. We're still sort of under the auspice of the do as I say, not as I do dogma, and we still subscribe. Thio Hitting our Children is usually the most accepted form of discipline within the black community, and we're still I'm not processing trauma and approaching parenting from a trauma informed perspective, and I think it's solely because of those reasons. It's it's hard. It's hard to prioritize. It's hard for black mothers and black fathers to prioritize mental health when we don't have our pyramid of needs met. When we don't have enough money to feed ourselves when we don't have enough money to buy necessities when we are unable to afford our rent, it is hard to raise a child to be an adult. It is a difficult thing to dio, and so from a psychological and a mental health standpoint, I will say we are definitely not doing enough. Is it necessarily the fault of ours? Not unnecessarily, its structural racism? It's, I mean, I could go on and on and on, but no, we're not being prepared. Doesn't necessarily mean where were at fault for it. But no,
I just I just want to read a statistic from WW dot e p i dot or GE, which stands for the Economic Policy Institute. Um so quote the substantial progress and educational attainment of African Americans has been accompanied by significant absolute improvement in wages. Um, but black workers are still are still making on Lee 82.5 cents on every dollar earned by white workers. African Americans are 2.5 times is likely to be in poverty as whites, and the medium white family has almost 10 times as much wealth as the median black family. Um,
and when you take into consideration that black women are the largest growing group of entrepreneurs and business owners and and degree holders, those statistics are really staggering.
Yeah, I think, and I'll probably get a lot of flak for this, but I almost take a Jay Z Beyonce, a kind of you on us. And I say, if it's if the system is fucked up and stop participating in the system and create your own and go from there So I do understand that black women are leading on the entrepreneurs. Excuse me and rightfully so, Butts. I think the trends to continue that where they can create more jobs, that where they can control the social economic climate and they can empower people who actually need those resource. Is that look just like them?
Yeah, and I and I and I do I want I want to give our community props because I think a lot of times whenever we have these conversations, you know, we always kind of talk about where we are inadequate within our community and where I feel like we are thriving, um is in our in our ability to still to still thrive because when you take into consideration all the structural opposition that we face every day, but we still see, um, you know, people who are, you know, like like I mentioned, um, you know, black women still getting their degrees. We see, you know, black Children being able to go to school, complete school go to college. We'll refund, you know, completely funded people like LeBron James who who are who are taking the wealth that they, you know, have a mast and then redistributing it and sharing it with the community, saying, you know, it was even though, you know, I do believe that individually, we need to be able to do the work to be prepared for when these opportunities are open to us. But it still takes one person giving you a shot. You know what I'm saying? You got to be ready. And so I just feel like our community. We we prepare it sounds bad. But we prepare our Children for trauma. And and And I understand that a lot of the times when black parents, you know, maybe treat their kids a certain way, their their logic is, you know, the world is going to treat him this way. And while I don't agree that that's the best way to handle it, I understand the idea that, you know, I want to prepare you for the trauma for the bad things that's out there. And I want you to know that this is gonna happen. I wish we would, you know, give them that along with something that goes, you know, like this is how bad the world's gonna be. But here's a tool, you know, on how to combat that. And I do feel like our newer generations that millennials, black millennials and everybody coming after us. I think we are prioritizing that. And I feel like our parents. The more that they really hear us say that I know my parents have been Maur open, you know, not necessarily hearing it from the media, you know, hearing it from Twitter, that you shouldn't hit your kids and stuff like that. But I think when we are interacting with our parents and we're educating them because we're more educated now I think our parents are kind of going you know what? Maybe you might be one, too. So, you know, I don't like that I'll always be talked about in society and that once you describe it, I think that's me, too, and it's like, Yeah, Perry, you got some stuff going on
and I just wanted to clarify the purpose of me rooting that statistic to statistic was not necessarily to shame the black community Yeah, it wasn't. It was for me. The purpose of it was like, kind of going back on the idea that you can on Lee teach somebody what you know. Um So if we're in a lot of ways due to like Jordan was saying disenfranchisement and not having as much economic opportunity and not being allowed for hundreds and hundreds of years access to these doors, then we're starting off from way, way behind. And it's so it's like, Can you expect us Thio have that that same pocket of knowledge? And I think, Ah, the access is the thing that I can be hopeful for is that knowledge and access is getting so much more, uh, in our hands. Like Jordan even shows me just like random stuff one tic tac that gives you in ways that you wouldn't have even thought of, just like the amount with the Internet and, um, with with vloggers and the amount of access that you can attain now, even as a ah young, disenfranchised black person is just becoming greater and greater great.
So contextualized, I truthfully feel like since we had all these experience with black Wall Street bomb moons like in Oklahoma City. But I'm glad just being one of them because they normally don't release it to the press. Because there are a lot of hate crimes associated when people understand this high. So don't normally wait until everybody's dead. Go ahead and give it to the public so that that way we can lower that, but to look up. And he said that black people have had their own economies that were thriving and to see how they were even disenfranchised after slavery and to see where we are now with entrepreneurship. I think it's fantastic. And the piggyback off what she was talking about with the Tic Tac. I think that we're seeing a booming of young millionaires and even billionaires. And I just think if we continue to give out the keys and we inform the next generation, I feel like we'll be found within the next 20 years because we are making great things happen with what? With respect, sir, what has happened in the past recently.
Okay, My last idea that I kind of want to propose to you guys. Um, we talked about giving our Children responsibility. How do we make sure Children are capable of being independent without robbing them of their childhood.
Mmmmm, I I want to say that I believe that it's all about balance. Um, similar to what? General said earlier. You know people saying that you know well, the world is going to treat you like this and so I'm going to treat you like this. But you know, you need to be able to be a safe space for your Children, and it isn't about coddling them or or protecting them from every single thing that's going to happen. It's about showing them all of the negative things that are going to be thrown at them whenever they're released into the wild, but also letting them know that there's a place that they can always come to. If that becomes overwhelming, Um, it's it's taking taking. It's giving them the tools to be able to be their own person, while also providing a structure for them to grow. If that makes sense, it isn't trying to. It isn't trying to control where the sunlight is. It's about, you know, providing the structure for which the plant to grow and getting rid and weeding the plant. You know what I mean? Getting rid of the terrible things that are surrounding it and watering it and giving a good nutrients, Um, and and watching it bloom and doing your best not to pick pedals off of it and doing your best not to make it internalize all of the things that you went through and just feeding good things to it and letting it know that you are You are a safe space because I think the thing that ends up happening is you know, I think I was at least with my father. He was definitely what the world's going to treat you like this homage, Judas. I wasn't showing affection by my father. I wasn't told. I love you. I was, until I miss you very often. I don't want to use absolutes and say just never. But at least from what I can remember, I I remember very few times being affectionate with my father when I was younger. And he did that because he wanted to show me the way that the world was gonna be. And now that my father is in a much better place psychologically and he's, you know, we're building a better relationship, and we're in a much better place. I still have a trauma response to his affection now And his kindness now And his and his sweet words. Now, I look at it with surprise every single time because I was shown that I could not trust him to be a safe space when I needed him to be. So now that I do not need him to be when I feel like I need a safe space, I do not want him to be one. And I'm constantly fighting to deconstruct that and those feelings and that trauma response. But it just kind of is the way that it is. Um Yep. Dropped. Mike
Jeunet. I'm gonna push you. How do we, um, enable our Children to be independent and responsible without robbing them of their childhood?
Um, first of all, we have to see Children is people. We have to recognize their agency. Um, I know that that is, um, a really hard thing. Even with me with my nephew, Sometimes they'll say things to me, and I have to remember that, like, uh, he's a child. You know what I'm saying? So he doesn't quite understand those boundaries. And this is where I get to teach him. You know what I'm saying? So instead of having that sort of your key, you don't talk to me like that response. Now I'm trying to understand, Okay? First, what made you feel comfortable enough to say that to me? Because sometimes it's just that they feel comfortable, like I didn't know that there was something wrong with what I said. And so now I get to say, OK, so here's here's why. That's a problem. And here's why. I'm teen A. I'm not gonna tell you. Don't say this to an adult, right? I'm just gonna say, Hey, aren't teenage don't like when you talk to me like that. Let's just not do that. You know what I'm saying? And so I I talked to them like they are people. You know what I'm saying? When, when I'm asking them not to do things, I I talked to them just like I would talk to my coworkers because I recognize their agency. I recognize they have the ability to make a decision, and so sometimes I feel like I feel like that was something my mom did for me that my dad didn't let me do until I was older. And so my mom was always You can talk to me even if it's disrespectful, you know, she would breathe it out. She might say, Go to your room. I need some space to think about this. But, you know, we would always come back and she would explain, Here's why. What you did was disrespectful. Now, if you do that again, now that we've had this conversation, we're not gonna have no conversations after this, you know? But the way she approached it, let me understated first, full
of reasoning and logic and having things explained to you instead of understanding
them and understand not just having them explained, but that I could understand what she was saying to me. Where is my dad? He kind of treated me like you know, you're a kid. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. And so once I was grown. And you know, at the time my relationship was pretty volatile and I remember he called me one day. He said, You got a problem with me. I said Oh, So you gonna call me like I'm just some holder street? Well, let's get into it. And I yelled at that man for like an hour, but I really feel like after that moment he realized like she is grown, cause I was like, 24 at the time I got grown. I'm paying my mama's bills at this point like bro, I'm grown grown. You feel me? So So I think that's when for him, it was just like, You know what? I've spent all this time still seeing her as that little kid who can't make decisions for themselves who can't understand the information that I'm giving them, who can't process that into, then making the good decisions that I've taught them their whole lives to make. And I kind of feel like it's one of those moments where pairs don't trust themselves. So if parents can recognize that agency, trust yourself that you're giving them the tools that they need and then let them display, you know, guide them. You're not necessarily their boss, you know what I'm saying? And so I feel like his black parents. If you can at first say you know what this child is still a person. And not necessarily. You're just some ignorant extension of me. You just don't. You know, you're starting over from zero, and I'm already a level 30. And it's like, you know, will you teach me how to play the game? Don't just You know what I'm saying? Like, hey, people like, Well, look at you. You still a level five? Supposed to be only 15? Well, nobody gave me instructions. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, right. I have no clue. When I'm doing, I get also. Nobody knows what the fuck they're doing
That part. I
get that. But I I feel like it. Black pairs could also just admit I don't know everything. Some things you have to find on your own. I think that would that would do better for our relationships. Also is that parents trying to feel like I'm the authoritarian? I know everything that's best for you? Sometimes you don't know.
Think that's perfect. Last last one, Jordan.
Personally, I agree wholeheartedly with General Von. I think that if you did a good job raising your kid and they understand your teachings and by certain age they should have a valid opinion, and you should be happy about because you're the one who taught them how to have that valid opinion. I think the biggest thing is progressive thought. I think if you look up and understand that life for a 17 year old or 14 year old or a 13 year old is much different for you in this day and age that you're growing up, opposed to when I grow up, then I think you'll be able to better make decisions for that child. Um, and I also feel like the I think it's a put it into context with my black experience. I think neither one of my parents would allow me to say anything to them, and they would never said they were right. Oh, excuse me wrong. And I think that really helped me with life and forced me to critical thinking, understand howto lead and get things done to through action instead of through vocalizing, which is most important in life. So there are pros and cons to it all, but we gotta do progressive parenting for sure.
Yeah, well, I I want to thank all of you guys for engaging. Um, I think all of you have very great things to say. Um, I think that that's it for this week. Um, tune in a bird for two weeks from now when
we talk about whatever we're talking about when we
talk about it. All right, um, this week since I moderated, I'm gonna be closing the show and something that I want to do when I close is something called the cops. And no, I'm not talking about the opposition. I'm talking about the opportunities. So for those of you. So for those of you who, um, do theatre, I just have a couple of things coming up in the city. Things you should know that are happening. Burst Of all Kansas City artists, trade cop Ege is hosting an improv class Saturday, March 7th. It's going or six o'clock. PM is going to be at 40 01 Troost Avenue. Just an opportunity to build your improv skills and network trade gets work. I'll say that he can trade, gets work. He's a really cool guy. So if you're looking for just an opportunity to build on those skills kind of build is an artist in a creative. Please go again. That is March 7th Border 6 41 01 or 40 01 Troost Avenue. It's fit a $15 class, but it's a learning experience. And then afterwards you get to perform. What, uh, you learn? So please do that. If you're looking for tickets, um, go ahead and look for a trays. Instagram It is at Traister t r e y S t e r Underscore Trey tr ee and that's on Instagram. He has a link in his bio or the tickets. Secondly, the Heartland's Amendments Chorus is holding an audition for the musical Unbreakable. It's basically highlighting the history of LGBT or being LGBT in America. They're looking for a woman age 18 to 30. A person of color. Um, so if you're a person of color and you're 18 to 30 you looking for some work go out there? Ah, woman older white, 40 A man, 18 and 30 person of color and a man late thirties white. Um, so if you want to audition for that, that sounds interesting to you. It's gonna be at the seance in house Sunday, February 23rd 4 to 7. What you need is an eight by 10 photo of yourself. So a head shot 16 bars of a song. I would kind of listen to unbreakable the musical and kind of get something in that style. And then one contemporary dramatic monologue s So that's it. Actors, this is your opportunity. Take advantage, Do something great.